


How To Save A Romance, The Kidnapped Edition

by YassHomo



Category: Superman - All Media Types
Genre: Attempted Kidnapping, Crack, Emotional Constipation, Fluff and Humor, Humor, Idiots in Love, Jealousy, Kidnapping, M/M, One Shot, Short
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-04
Updated: 2019-03-04
Packaged: 2019-11-09 10:15:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 944
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17999915
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YassHomo/pseuds/YassHomo
Summary: "One, he's too gay to be my boyfriend." Lois began. If her hands weren't tied down, she would have counted the responses with her fingers to indicate them being read off an imaginary list. "Two, Itoldyou why he's going to be late. Three - did you just kidnap me out ofjealousy?"





	How To Save A Romance, The Kidnapped Edition

As soon as Lois arrived at consciousness, she immediately knew where she was, why she was there, and who brought her. Regardless of how drugged and dazed she felt, she knew what was going on - the same song and dance would always be recognisable, regardless of how many sedatives she was fed.

"Really? This is the eighth time this week, Luthor." She groused, wincing at the sudden onslaught light as soon as she opened her eyes. As an afterthought, she added, "I'm pretty sure it's only Wednesday, too."

"Wednesday is the best time for evil happenings." Luthor replied, voice clipped, smooth, and low. Lois's vision was clouded over by a drugged haze, but she was clearly able to see the dark suit and gleam of an expensive watch catching the light.

"Clark told me about the pigeons. If you dye me green, so help me god I will be the last thing you see." Lois warned, meaning every word despite the fact that her ankles and wrists were currently tied to a chair.

"As if I'd waste my brilliance on you." The blurry outline of Luthor sneered, crossing his arms and hiding the shiny watch from sight. Lois tested the bounds against her hands and feet but, to no surprise, nothing gave way.

"Exactly. Don't waste your.... _brilliance_ on me." She put mocking emphasis on the word, but Luthor ignored her without giving indication of becoming agitated, so she tried again. "Just stamp my Frequently Kidnapped Card and send me on my way."

"Very cute, Miss Lane." Luthor said flatly, sounding unimpressed. "But you of all people should know I discontinued that the second _you_ took advantage. I believe Mr Wayne isn't too impressed with losing his card due to your habit of annoying me."

Lois huffed.

Luthor continued to watch her.

"He'll take a while to notice, you know. He's working on a sports piece and is busy sulking to notice much." Lois pointed out.

Luthor didn't reply for several minutes, preoccupied with pacing up and down the room. Lois exchanged looks with Mercy - after spending so long being kidnapped, they had come to develop a friendship. Luthor suddenly sighed. "We might be a while. Would you like something to eat?"

Lois perked up. "Yes, please."

"What would you like?" Luthor sounded tired.

"Something sharp." She answered, pulling against the rope.

Unfortunately, there was a reason Luthor was so successful when it came to the hideous world of politics. He smiled blandly, retort sharp and quick. "Like a lemon?"

"You know what I meant." Lois scowled. "I can hardly cut rope with a lemon."

"Duct tape, and your lack of ambition will get you nowhere." Luthor replied evenly.

"I'm duct taped to a chair." She snapped, frustrated at how much it would hurt to remove it. "I'm not exactly capable of going 'nowhere'."

She was ignored.

"Your _boyfriend_ should've noticed by now." Luthor muttered. He checked his watch, glancing upwards as though expecting Clark to smash through any second, but to no avail. "Why isn't he here yet?"

"One, he's too gay to be my boyfriend." Lois began. If her hands weren't tied down, she would have counted the responses with her fingers to indicate them being read off an imaginary list. "Two, I _told_ you why he's going to be late. Three - did you just kidnap me out of _jealousy_?"

"No." Luthor scoffed, far too quickly. He was always easy to read when it came to Clark, which was disgustingly romantic. "I have nothing to be jealous of. You're the one duct taped to a chair, not me."

"It's about the gossip column." Lois said, her guess sounding more direct and focused. "You're worried about me and Clark dating."

"I'm not _worried_." Luthor snapped.  "Or jealous. Date him, if you want. I don't care. If you marry him, I will ruin your wedding _and_ your marriage _and_ your _life_. Not out of jealousy. Just - my general evilness."

Mercy snorted. She disguised it as a cough.

"Oh, yes, _general evilness_." Lois nodded her head, voice exaggeratedly agreeing. "Truly, I was stupid not to have thought of it sooner."

"Luthor." Deep, confident, and with authority. To prove Lois's theory, Luthor's entire face lit up, swirling around to face Clark before masking his obvious happiness with a cold expression.

Lois groaned, already dreading the loud and dramatic bickering the two idiots would display, Luthor too proud to admit to his jealousy, and Clark too oblivious to work it out like Lois did. "Kiss and make up like last time, I'm beginning to hate this place."

"How do you know about last time?" Luthor asked, frowning, glancing back at Lois before back at Clark. "How does she know about last time?"

Clark looked vaguely uncomfortable. "We talk."

"Apparently you do a lot more than _talk_." Luthor retorted. He crossed his arms, sounding so openly hurt that Lois forced herself to remember the stone cold stoic business man in order to avoid any sympathy.

"Lex." Clark said, sounding dismayed. He hesitated, approaching Luthor, suddenly forgetting that his best friend had been kidnapped and was currently tied to a chair. "Jenkins is a liar. I'm not interested in anyone else. Just you."

Luthor's shoulders relaxed. "Good, because I'll kill anyone you date."

"Yeah, totally not jealous." Lois deadpanned.

Luthor scowled. "Shut up, Lane."

"Mercy." Lois called, and was immediately listened to. She glared at the pair, who looked like they were seconds away from heartfelt confessions, and grimaced. "Please, give me more drugs. Anything is better than _this_."

"They'll be worse when they marry." Mercy shrugged. "It's prudent to build a resistance whilst you still can."

Lois sighed.


End file.
